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| The Tigerlilly OnLine Fun Edition means: TOP TEN COMICS RIDDLES LIMERICKS DIRTY JOKES INTERVIEWS | ||
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Editor In Chief: Alan "No Peas, Please" Marples Writer: Andrew "Boob Tube" Tortorice Writer: Jonathan "Who Said That?" Brickman Writer: Jinny "St. Louis" Russell Writer: Sam "The Hands" Stephens Writer: Dan "Butterball" Wilke If you have questions, comments or corrections, please email them to: alanmarples @hotmail.com |
MINDBENDERS
"If you dare to, bend the way you think!" What popular saying is represented in each case? Answers below! (No peeking!) 1. thereadlines 2. mofootuth 3. thestuckmiddle 4. theheadclouds Bonus: 5. ban ana Answer Key: 1. "read between the lines" 2. "foot in mouth" 3. "stuck in the middle" 4. "head in the clouds" Bonus: 5. "banana split" TOP TEN MOVIES 10. Star Wars 9. E.T. 8. A Clockwork Orange 7. Bladerunner 6. Highlander 5. Night of the Living Dead 4. Metropolis 3. Star Trek 1. Willow 1. The Day the Earth Stood Still And now, it's time for everyone's favorite net-toon: ADVENTURES W/ UNABROW E. MOTICON By Dan Wilke :+[] SHORT FICTION CONTEST WINNER It was dark as we left the building. As we walked, we casually discussed what had just happened. “I can’t believe how boring that was,” he said. “I know, when she gets going, there’s no stopping her.” Everybody knows somebody like the lecturer we just saw. Gets a bee in his or her bonnet and-—Whammo! It’s like a bullet train of words, and, as they exit the tunnel of their mouth, they enter the tunnel of your ear. But that’s just the thing—-that tunnel goes right through your head and that bullet train is on a non-stop course out the other side of your head, not even stopping at the brain depot. We continued to walk and the path took us along the river. As we neared a large bridge that went over the path, we saw dirt bike riders coming towards us, zigging and zagging and doing “poppa wheelies.” We looked at each other using our peripheral vision, a look that said, “Keep cool, man. Keep it cool.” As chance would have it, the bikers zoomed past us just at the darkest part under the bridge. It was dark when we left the lecture, now it was really dark, except for a few streetlights here and there. Like killer bees the dirt bike riders zipped past us, my body tensing at every “zzzzzzip.” With a stony silence we walked past the bridge near some tennis courts, where, just a few days before, I had found a tennis ball in some weeds. It was kind of wet, so I bounced it a lot to dry it off. By the time I got it home, it was dry as a rag. I mention it because just a few days before that, after I left the back parking lot of a two-story apartment complex, I entered the less-than-sterile alleyway behind the parking lot. As I walked down the rustically-littered alley, I walked past another parking lot and that’s where I found it. It’s hard to say now what attracted my eye to it. Maybe the way the sun bounced through its glassy roundness. Maybe it was the streak of blaze-orange that ripped through its interior. Regardless, I picked it up and put it in my pocket, not before rolling it around between my thumb and fore finger, being pleased by its smooth roundness and tickled by the small patch where the marble must have hit the ground at one point, or perhaps took a fatal blow in a heated-up game of marbles. Just a few days later I happened upon a tennis ball. I recounted all this to my faithful friend whose only reply was, “I wonder what you’ll find next, maybe a softball?” I felt myself laughing, but, inside, I wondered if in a few days I might find a softball, or some other larger ball, and then my mind went into hyper-mode as I considered the possibilities of finding bowling balls and medicine balls and beach balls. I almost laughed out loud when I thought about it, and I was about to tell my friend, but caught myself, realizing he wouldn’t understand the joke. I looked at him and spoke. CALENDAR 1/1 New Year's Day 2/14 Valentine's Day 3/17 St. Patrick's Day 10/31 Halloween 12/25 Christmas 12/31 New Year's Eve RIDDLES Q: A weasel, a shark, a snake, a rat, a cheater, a piece of dirt and a lawyer sat down to play cards and what do you think happened? A: The lawyer weaseled the weasel, sharked the shark, snaked the snake, ratted the rat, cheated the cheater and played dirtier than the piece of dirt. All told, he left the table a winner! Q: What is green and fuzzy and talks? A: A moldy piece of bread with a tape recorder in it! --es Q: Knock, knock. A: Who's there? Q: My jar and everything I own. --da Q: How many letters are there in the alphabet? A: 23. Q: (Confused.) A: Isn't "LMNO" one letter? Q: No. Obviously. --ms Q: What do you get when you cross a sandwich and a glass of milk with a walrus and the word firm? A: A silk worm! (“S” from “sandwich,” “ilk” from “milk,” “w” from “walrus,” and the sound “orm” from “firm.”) --ms Q: Were the tricks done by the person riding on the dolphin-like creature accidental? A: No, they were done on porpoise! (Purpose.) --ms Q: How did the youth comedian close his or her stand-up routine? A: When is a pan not a pan? When it’s written backwards and it’s a nap, which, by the way, I’m just about due for! Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been great! --ms Q: Do you know how “pirates” came to be called that? A: Well, when a pirate sells you something, it seems like it’s never the same price twice, and when they “buy” from you they usually don’t pay you at all. There seems to be no rationale behind their rates whatsoever. Yes, very irrational rates. Long story short, pi is an irrational number; ergo, pi-rates, or pirates! --ms Q: Two frog-like creatures were playing badminton, when one of them smacked the shuttlecock just out of bounds. What did the other frog-like creature say? A: That was a toad-ally (totally) close shot! --ms Q: What did Mick Jagger say when he was unable to attain a rude, disrespectful, impudent, lively, spirited, jaunty, stylish or chic group of persons forming a cohesive, usually contentious minority within a larger group? A: (To the tune of the Rolling Stones’ “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”) I can’t get no—da na na—sassy faction! --ms Q: Why did the woman hurt her neck after the doctor gave her her diagnosis? A: She was diagnosed with a bladder infection, but she thought the doctor said tattler direction, and her son was a tattletale, and he was supposed to be waiting in the waiting room, and so she craned her neck very quickly to see in which direction her tattler was headed! --ms Q: What did the rude teenager say to the new Microsoft operating system product display at a local store, which considering all the talk of entering a new millennium and other popular sayings, was arranged in the form of a doorway? A: You make better Windows (98 or 2000 or whatever) than a door. --pk Tigerlilly Publications proudly announces: “THE MISFORTUNES AND WOES OF POOP AND POTTY” The year is 1900 and it's a new life in America for its two most recent immigrants: a walking, talking, Puritanical piece of poop and his or her viciously vice-ridden slithering crony: a puddle of potty. Together, Poop and Potty rise to riches from rags in a telling, provocative, jaunty and orgulously-allegorical look at early-Euro-American life, told in the olden-style comic-book fashion. A treat! Issues still “In-Print” and not “Sold Out” are summarized below. In most cases, these are re-issues of our most-loved titles. However, my good word should not be taken for it, you should and shall be judge and jury in this humble court of misfortune and woe! Issue the 6th Along their misguided hero-quest, they happen across a vomitous young sir or madam, “Barf.” Discovered with quite-quickness to be of a brain-damaged lot and subsequently left out for dead, Poop and Potty do unto him false-praises, monikering him with the falutent title "Sir Thinqueharde the Retard"--more commonly simply “Thinqueharde”--and “befriend” him altogether friendlessly for the indulgencies and exploitations of our excremental Romulus and Remus. “Do hurry along, Thinqueharde, or the trolley will be missed by us, and then in what mess we’ll be!” Issue the 14th Poop and Potty ride upon a freight-train to the Appalachian Range! Identities are mistaken and Potty sells Poop into slavery: all at great speed! How will Poop get out of this one? “Et tu, Potty?” Issue the 22nd THERE'S BEEN A MURDER! And everyone's a suspect! Or might it have been a double-murder! How chillingly murderously this issue's pages are drenched! Or has it all been a series of elaborate parlor-tricks? Each page must be turned! Will YOU solve the mystery-murder? Who--or what--is the murderer and how could the hideously heinous act have been enacted? False friends turn foes all-the-while feigning friendliness! "'Which way is up?' 'Never mind about that now; concern yourself rather with the question of which way is d-d-dooooooown!'" |
LIMERICKS
How grand to be left-handed! The good Lord above must’ve planned it! When you shot off my right hand, And thought you’d ruined my plan, I shot you with my left, you bandit! --ms There once was a babe in a diaper, Whose bowel action got hyper! It pooped till the cock crowed, When the thing overflowed! Call in the professional wiper! --ms BIRTHDAY TIDINGS The staff of the Tigerlilly would like to hope happy birthdays to Tom, Sarah and Lou. BANDS I LIKE The Beatles The Jimi Hendrix Experience Phish The Grateful Dead The Dave Matthews Band Metallica The Cure The Beastie Boys Nine Inch Nails Tool Weezer Bob Marley and the Wailers The Doors MxPx Led Zepplin Pink Floyd Beck Slipknot Rage Against the Machine Korn Parliament/Funkadelic Snoop Dogg The Sex Pistols READING LIST Compiled by Joseph Stimwell Clifford the Big Red Dog: The Missing Beach Ball by Norman Bridwell Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume The Celery Stalks at Midnight and Bunnicula Strikes Again by James Howe Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of Pablo's Nose by Donald J. Sobol Dear Mr. Henshaw by Beverly Cleary There's a Boy in the Girls' Bathroom by Louis Sachar Too Many Daves by Doctor Suess Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz Milo and Otis (screenplay) by Mark Saltzman DIRTY JOKES Q: Y’know how the political higher-ups have been accused of being not-so-technology-savvy? A: Yes. Q: And y’know how certain words are made feminine by adding the suffix “-ette”? A: Not really… Q: Like dude verses dudette? A: Oh yeah, sure. Q: Well, I’d like to say that the ex-president, Bill Clinton, sure got plenty of use out of his intern-ette! (Internet.) (Monica Lewinsky was a female intern.) --ms Q: Where do the two best poops in the land battle it out to see who is number one? A: In the Super-bowel! --ms INTERVIEWS hello my name is alan Hey do i know you you don't. i am conducting an interview for a newperiodical may i interview you? sure cool, thanks ok question one: are you going somewhere? No question 2: what do you like? People do you drive a car? No I drive a truck what looks nice? The mtns. and lastly, when does it weather? In the winter cool thank you very much! your welcome what was that for anyway the paper i write for is called the tigerlilly Oh ok where is this paper at the midwest k kool hello my name is alan hello i am conducting an interview for a news periodical. may i interview you? what news periodical? it's called the tigerlilly waht is it? i've never heard of it well, it's brand new. the interview segment will actually appear in the first issue! who are you? where is this periodical? i need more info well, my name is alan marples and i am the founder of the tigerlilly well, fine interview me then ok, great. thanks! question 1: are you going somewhere? what do you mean like are you going on any trips... yes, this weekend i am going away okay. what do you like? what thing? in general... you must be more specific? what do you like? i general? i don't know yes well, i like fleetwood mac especially stevie nicks and i love movies and the olive garden and i adore shopping at the gap hello? good good thanks i wasn't sure if you were done do you need more? just a few more questions here do you drive a car? i love the west wing as well yes i do drive a car okay... what looks nice? elaborate on that like... what do you think is pleasant to look at? what do you see that makes your eyes feel comfortbale? well, the stars, the rose bushes in my garden, and josh lyman from the west wing well, it's come to the last question: when does it weather? what does that mean?! basically...weather. when does it happen? all the time well, thank you very much such is the nature of weather yes, yes i suppose it is you're welcome J hello my name is alan well hello Alan i am conducting an interview for a news periodical may i interview you? about your opinions on some matters and a little bit about you well if the quistions r 2 personal i wont answer k fair enough question 1: are you going somehwere? what? off the computer like in the near future.... ummmm hummmmm well cali ok (it's kind of hard to read your font there...) sorry (it's sort of crossed out...) ill change it brb better yes, much. thank you no prob let's begin again. ok wait are you going somewhere? first how old r u? cali i am a 21 year old journalism major ok go on okay, next question. what do you like? as in? just in general i'll let you sort of steer this part of the interview ok go on oh. what do you like? dolphins okay do you drive a car? not yet okay.... what looks nice? ummmm guys lol ha ha ha would you like me to use that response? yeah! okay... and the last question is: when does it weather? huh? weather: when does it happen? all the time yeah? snows and rains all the flipin time yep, it sure does thank you for your time! no prob so whats ur name? alan marples oh yeah duh sorry i new ur first name lol that's ok where do u live ? it's not an easy name to remember the midwest lol yes, lol kool so how meny ppl do u have 2 interview well i'm trying to create a database, so i'm responible for 50 interviews and my teammates each have 50, too we'll do about 500-750 hummm geeeeeeeze i'm sorry 4? does that make you feel unimportant? oh no not at all lol well Alan i hope everything turns out alright! me too! and thanks again! no prob buh y e |